SILENCE

It is ironical that I am writing about silence on a blog. Is not blogging itself a ranting affair, I mean bloggers are noise makers. We make noise about everything. We make noise about anything, yet I wanna write about silence. A silence that is of a different kind.

We see things happen right in front of our eyes. We know they are happening but we choose not to talk about them. We feign ignorance sometimes we want to appear the ones who have no clue even of the simplest things about life. We are fully aware that these things make us worry, are painful to the heart and soul but then we look at them and smile as we mutter in even a deeper silence. “it is OK.”

We stare at excuses given to us in the name of reasons for decisions made by our most beloved people. We look at words written to us from hearts that we cherish that cause our eyelids open even wider. We know that these words have something else behind them. A dark shadow that we know darkens our lives. A shadow that we know has deep seated secrets that pinch raw emotions from our hearts yet we choose not to talk about them, in even a louder silence we mumble, “it is OK.”

We paint perfect scenarios for the world to see yet deep in our hearts we are crumbling. Things are falling apart. All we wish for is to clutch someones hand and hold them so tight and scream, “Please help.” We keep a job for the money and forgo the fact that it is a nightmare in our hearts every single time we sit behind that desk. We keep a face, we keep a look we keep an attitude and a composure that says all is more than O.K yet we know deep that all we wanna do is whisper to someone, “I am weak, I am crushed, please hold me.” but we do not, we crucify ourselves on our self made cross of self importance and grind our teeth and say, “it is OK.”

I write this piece for you my beloved brother. You have suffered what I consider the most cruel pain of all times. When I look at you right now I just wonder what would have happened had you chosen to say something, even a weak whisper in your brother’s ear. Now you feel cheated, you feel mistreated and taken granted for. I agree she would have been honest with you that she was seeing another when you were not around. Brother, you saw all the signs, they were right there but you chose to ignore them. You chose not to talk about the excuses to be away, you chose not talk about the long unexplained calls, you chose not to talk about the many ‘friends’ that surrounded her, you chose not to talk about your gut feelings and she saw a lee way every time you said, it is O.K. That is where I blame you, that one is on you because you clicked and chose the option, SILENCE.

I celebrate you though on one thing my dear kin. On this one thing you become my hero, that you knew, that you knew that it was happening and yet you kept quite about it. You knew what she was doing when you were away yet you still chose to love and to hope. That I ought to learn from you. That when she thought she was being clever you played the fool of all fools despite being the wisest man I know on the universe. On one side you have lost, on the other in your silence God has fought for you. In fact as she did what she was doing, God through His angels was fighting for you every time you chose to say, it is OK, every time you clicked and chose the option, SILENCE

FOR THE BROTHER WHOM I LOVE MOST.

We will eat nyama choma and you will brace up to face tomorrow…

Prominence Ayubu

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I HAVE LOOKED AND SEEN

I have looked and seen one phenomena under the sun. Its reality is one that is alien to many but that does not change that it remains a fact.

You see a man walking on the road, in his head are a million and one scenarios playing like a VHS tape in an ancient player. Life throws at anyone scenarios that make each one of us make choices. These choices some are for a lifetime, some are distractions and some are I must say sadly agents from the dark world meant to stop you from reaching the goals of your life because they are just too dangerous for the survival of wickedness on the surface of the earth.

I will give a very delicate example. Boy meets girl.That is an easy one right? It gets complicated though like the plot of any good story. So Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl falls in love with boy. Boy wants to marry girl. Girl accepts to get married to boy. Other girls notice that boy is good and are losing him. Other boys notice that girl is beautiful and they have not tasted the cookie jar. Girl gets confused by these flirtatious heaven promising boys. Boy sees better options in these easy going vision destroyers in shorter skirts than girl.

I have chewed words with elders and yes they confirm this scenario but they add a word of wisdom to it. If you don’t focus young man you will lose your one key to great life and you will regret it the rest of  your life.

I have off late grown a very sharp resentment to people who I describe as out rightly disrespectful. I am talking about these girls and these boys. They know you are trying to build a life. In their heart of hearts they know boy or girl is nowhere in their future. Their goal is just to destroy to confuse, to come in between. They are happy when they hear boy and girl are having issues. They want to know details so they pry on them I just don’t like them.

Now it becomes even more sad when these boys or these girls actually are a boy in love with a girl in love somewhere else. I mean just respect your life enough to be serious about it mmh! I get amazed. This is a generation which expects life to throw fairness at them while being totally the opposite in other people’s lives. This is  generation which expects stable families while tossing around with other people’s families. Honestly I just don’t like you.

It becomes so hypocritical when they are the same people greeting you loudly across corridors, giving you those smiles and a laughter that honestly is uncalled for, shaking your hands with a vigor that bespeaks of their randy rendezvous. Only one statement befits you, ‘get thee behind me devil.’ If I were Moses I would order the ground to open up and swallow your breath out of your God forsaken lungs. If I were Elisha I would order all the bears on earth to really work on you. If I were Samson I would gather all the foxes in the world tie electric shockers on their tails and descend them on you. Yes I have looked and seen that this is the one thing that destroys families, destroys futures and puts to death every good thing on earth. In the good book the big man would put it this way… Do not covet.

Prominence Ayubu

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHEN I SAY I LOVE …

There are so many things in this life that God has given man to enjoy or rather to wade through but I tend to believe that love or the absence of it and how we handle love holds or breaks all things. So allow me to share a few love lessons I have acquired recently.

I was reading an article the other day and it really blessed my heart so I may borrow one or two lines from the same; God bless that awesome couple who wrote it. So here is the first line I will borrow… “You determine how people outside your relationship treat the relationship whether with respect or with disrespect. You cannot prevent birds from perching on your head but you can definitely determine whether they build a nest there or not.” The man quoted an incident in which even after his marrying his wife and on their honeymoon men who held no shred of honor for their marriage kept texting and calling his wife and asking for exclusive time with her. The wife had no power to stop them from sending the first text message or the first call but she had all the power to determine whether they would call a second time or send a second text message. How she responded to that would determine how the other people would treat her marriage. A person who has no respect for your relationship is not worthy of any of your respect so deal with them do not sympathize with them. I hear the tune of taking responsibility there and not giving excuses… for the intruders in your relationship. I have the power to stop the intrusion so if I am not wielding it no one else is to blame for the divided attention I may be having for my partner, I am.

The second line I will borrow is “…never ever even for once take your partners love for you to drive a personal hidden agenda, if it is not for the both of you, it is not worth your relationship.” At first I did not understand that statement fully but after reflecting upon it I think it really makes sense. I mean I know this person loves me or badly wants to be with me or can never do anything to jeopardize what we have regardless of what I do or say. He or she has exposed themselves to you and have become vulnerable in your hands right, so why not push a few buttons for myself without them actually knowing what is going on? You know what you are doing dear, you are killing your partner very slowly bit by bit and you will wake up one day and realize all you got is yourself full of everything you wanted but without him, he walked, a bitter exhausted person who ran out of what to give from the little he already had… Take care of each other instead of using each other up.

The last statement I want to share in this article is a lesson I got from one of my very many self appointed relationship counselors, “…Never assume that your partner knows you are grateful for small or big favors they do for you, either voice your gratitude or show it in actions or and or both the two.” It made a lot of sense that one. I think we get used to our partners so much and the things they do for us that the word thank you, or I am blessed to have you for a wife/husband just seem obvious hanging in the air like a placard on our foreheads. We never either say them or show them. Then we wonder why they used to do something and then all over a sudden they stopped doing it. I will guarantee you the next time your partner buys a small gift for one of your friends and they say that magic two lettered statement, Thank you, gifts will be directed in that direction most often than they are directed in your direction. Don’t complain start voicing your gratitude.

Finally a word from one of my many mothers… Never reach a point where you stop chasing each other or expect to be chased without your participation in the chase or chasing, always do something to tell your partner you are chasing for his or her love, that you are desperate for them to know not to guess that you love them. Never ever, because the moment you stop doing that know that someone else wants so badly that which you have and is willing to do everything not parse to have your partner but just so that the two of you are not together. So boy chase her, girl chase him every single day.

Yes I have been in class, an important class and I am still in it. My next blog will highlight other lessons I am learning. All in all Do not hold back your love for one another but freely give it even as you freely receive it. Do not take each other for granted.

Great love month

Prominence Ayubu

I WILL SING HIS KIND OF LOVE

As you should have noticed I am celebrating the one person who has been amazing in my life: Christ. Yesterday I wrote concerning his unending love during my faithless unfaithful moments. Today I engage yet another gear: He keeps His promises to me no matter what.

I have this tendency with my Father in heaven to give me a statement at the beginning of each year that speaks of who He shall be in my life the whole of that year. He has given me many of those; one day I should write them and highlight the major breakthroughs in my life during such a year. Now the year 2016 was an interesting one. In January he said, “I will deliver you from every calamity and fiercely fight for you with a jealous love.” In every situation this year whenever I pulled that statement in prayer back to Him marvelous things happened in my life. So allow me today to speak of how jealous he is for me and I love it that He is.

He has delivered me from every situation that threatened to swallow me: there have been many. From the plotting of men behind my back, from loud and silent curses uttered by many mouths he has delivered me from them. From the wars that were meant to finish me and crush me to dust he delivered me. From every pain and heartache he whispers in my ear of just how much I mean to Him. He calls me precious names only known to me when I am on the verge of giving up and when my strength has faded. He has delivered me from calamities known and unknown to me. Some of them He has whispered into my ear some He has chosen not to tell me the specifics yet He has delivered me so.He has apportioned angels over me and with me numerous in number to keep watch over every gate in my life.

He has delivered me from my own self, when I have been simply stocking stupid and done hurtful things to others and to myself. Even in the times that I have obviously not chosen Him he has not denied me as His own. You know those moments you simply know you have abandoned Him and your heart and priorities are simply for your own self though hurting Him badly… Yes in those moments He still has sort me out with a love so jealous and so strong.

He has fought for me with a jealous love. He has assaulted many who hurt me and caused me pain and yet leading me to intercede for them for mercy. He has called me faithful when I was faithless. He has called me pure when I had obviously soiled myself. He has chosen me over and over again over the wrongs I have done against Him. He has constantly with a strong consistency chosen me for His love despite my many shortcomings. You know I will sing His kind of love, I will shout on roof tops His kind of faithfulness because I have found none in even the closest person in my life. I will sing of His kind of love.

I love you Dad, I love you…

Prominence Ayubu

 

 

I WOULD REALLY WANT TO KNOW…

It is honestly the greatest challenge to love like God does love. I am not sure what was in Paul’s mind when he instructed Christian men to love their spouses like Christ does the church. He kind off put us men who believe in hot soup.

I mean start from the fact that he came to us to save us from sin. O.k so he chased us all the way to the earth to win our hearts. That is the easy part. I am sure any man can chase a girl to the moon and back. Then  comes the part of our stubborn nature.

This I take you back to Israel who in the old testament were referred to us the wife of God. I would want to know how God felt when after doing all things that he did for them they still went to worship other gods. I would still want to know how he thought during those times when obviously the heart of Israel was somewhere else. I would want to know what kept him going. What kept him believing that after Israel has had her time with her lovers she will return to Him.

I would want to ask Him how finally He decided to throw them out of the land he had settled Israel and how he felt when he watched them under the yoke of oppression and suffering. I would want to know how he felt when every cry for mercy reached His heart and how even though He knew this would lead Israel to years of suffering He watched it happen and did nothing about it.

I would want to know how He came to the decision that He would invite other people to take the place of Israel in His heart and after the full number of gentiles has been brought in how He will rekindle His love for Israel in the last days.

I would want to know how he keeps his faithfulness to me even when I am taking him for a ride and putting first other stuff before him. How does He keep his love for me burning when i am so far away from him. I would want to know his kind of jealousy. How does it burn? How it smells, what are its actions and eventually its markers? I would really want to know.

Because to love like Christ does means to cross all the fences of human weakness, of human tendencies and barriers of privilege and laying down every aspect of life to embrace death so that love brings the dead back to life.

I would really want to know!!!

Prominence Ayubu

‘THE WHOLE ME…’

So today is my birthday oh the day I raked havoc on some woman’s nerves and rend her screaming and pulling on sheets on a hospital bed exactly at 5:30 am in the morning. Yeah I was born in the morning no wonder I am morning person. I mean my ever first sound I made in the whole universe was at 5:30 am in the morning.

So what do people do on their birthdays? I actually woke up asking myself that question today. My boss should have given me an off I lazy around in the house and watch movies the whole day. I think that would have been a good treat from my boss but as you know that cannot be the case. Someone should propose that motion in parliament. Someone’s birthday is his or her personal private holiday. Make me an MP and I would move such a motion in the public chambers.

Since that is not the case I would rather take this space to celebrate the birth of ME the whole ME I mean. You see at birth another whole was taken away from me which I have been looking for for the many years I have lived on this earth. So I choose to celebrate the birth of the whole of ME.

I am special I must say, bearing seven levels of beauty unbeknown to any other person in the whole universe. You see the way a new constellation would attract the curiosity of what are they called these people of the stars, yes those ones, that is how you see on seven levels any eye would be curious to look at me. Na huko si kuringa ni ukweli tu. Even if it is boasting come on it is my birthday I am allowed to, right?

You see I am the only person who is stubborn enough to destabilize myself and my environment but in a very cute way. One day I was walking down the stairs of the church going to give my offering and when I saw my other whole coming up the stairs I destabilized myself until the offering which I had so far managed to hide very much as we are taught in church fell on the floor. You seeI am the only person who can do that to myself but in a cute way.

I would have gone on and on but just one more thing before you really get jealous of ME… the whole ME… Yes, just bear with me a little in this my boasting… anyway it is my birthday so you can’t beat me in any case… so just bear with me…

Yes I am the only person that can make me return to my source. I mean my loving loving Dad in the heavens. Yes, one eye from me to myself and I know hapana… I have veered off somehow. You see I mean I can be a stubborn parrot with you but when I am with me words just disappear from my tongue. Damn! Wherever they go I must sue for robbery with violence. I mean my brain simply stops… my heart races like a jet and however much I want to be like paraparapara I just cant… come on I love talking but when I am with me… sijui… things go huuu.

So let me celebrate ME… the whole ME… where whole and whole makes the whole ME… Happy birthday to ME and yes it is the second last birthday I am celebrating in my singularity otherwise the whole ME is knit and knit tightly together…

I celebrate ME!

THE DATE CRAZY AS HEAVEN

She called me… no we were chatting on whatsapp and then she was like, lets meet at 6:30pm I want to take you somewhere. The natural me was like… a date!

So I prepare myself masculine type, make sure everything is just on point, where it is supposed to be and how it is supposed to be, grab my rag-sack and off I head to this unexpected DATE.

I am in town like 20 minutes before time, it is drizzling just the right amount not very little and not a lot. Just the right amount to form a water drop tiny on her face, that gives me  an opportunity to wipe it away from her face and watch her twink her eye just in the right manner at the correct angle but she is not yet here. So I just gaze into the air watching the clouds drift slowly towards my direction as though calling on one another to come witness the next big thing happening on planet earth in a few minutes; THE DATE.

Lost in my world of being celebrated by the clouds, I drop my eyes a little bit and they land on a flash of her image and then she disappears in the heavy human traffic crossing the road, yeah she is tiny just at the correct size and the way she reappears just in front of me like a teleported beauty queen speaks of the perfection in her size. Her eyes light up, her lips curve into the smile that in its natural creation wirelessly forms a smile on mine; we are that connected.

A hug develops into a swing and a gaze into each other’s eyes, but we have to cut it because of the DATE…

She takes my hand in hers and we start walking, I am wondering where we are going, many ideas rush into my mind but none of them seem the correct description. Then we suddenly stop, in the middle of the street. In the middle of the street? Yes I just said that, in the middle of the street. Next to us are two young men singing songs that praise my Father in heaven. She warmly greets them and introduces herself and myself as well. They return the introductions and she looks at me and says, “This is it.” One of the young men goes like, we are singing to the most High God in a period of twenty one days and you are welcome. With that they burst into praise again, she joins in while looking at me with those eyes that makes me do things subconsciously and before I know it I am also singing in the middle of a busy street. The next 30 minutes are full of song and claps and short prayers. I am not on earth I am in the divine walking in the Spirit world she besides me with her awesome voice rending the air.

I look at her and look to the heavens and wonder, Father did you have to be this accurate for me? She everyday just keeps on moving towards the exact prayer I made when I asked for a wife. Everyday she gets crazier and crazier for you. She told me another thing which is a story for another day but eeiih! Dad, you know how to give good gifts to those who keep on trusting in you.

I bless her with all the priestly authority I posses… She is blessed.

And that folks was the craziest DATE I have ever been taken to…

Prominence!!!!